what can i do?

Hey how are you? Do you still remember me?

Seriously I wanna send a text like this to him. But I don’t have the courage to do that.

Because I know what the reply is. He might ignore my text or even just read it.  So I procrastinate sending it even though I always open his contact and write a message and then delete it again  after a few seconds.  I’m just not brave.

He seems hate me *guessing*. I always wonder , did he know all about me? Did he know everything ? Did he know what happened actually? Did he know everything I’ve been through all this time when we’re still close? I guess he didn’t know completely. He didn’t know well.

I really wanna text him but…….. whenever I think he hates me, I put off texting him. I’m scared if he would ignore my text if I texted him. I miss joking together with him. I miss the way he sent me a good night text. I miss having a stupid conversation with him.

He thought that I didn’t appreciate him. But I didn’t mean not to appreciate him.  He didn’t understand what I mean actually.  He misunderstood. He thought I compared him to a bad guy.  No, I didn’t.  I just need a process. I need a process because I just broke up with the previous one. I want him to understand my process.  I said to him that I was kinda not sure of his feelings because of my experiences before. When I said it, It meant I wanted him to make me sure that he’s serious. I also need to make myself sure that I forgot my past. Gue mau yakinin perasaan gue kalo perasaan gue udh ada di dia bukan di masa lalu gue. Gue juga mau yakinin perasaan gue untuk dia karna gue gamau setengah2 sama dia. Gue mau yakinin perasaan gue juga karna gue gamau main-main sm dia karna gue kan jg udh cape punya hubungan yang  main2. Gue mau punya hubungan yang serius sama dia. Dan itu semua butuh proses 

but when I’m on that process, he’s gone…………….

So, what can i do now? :")

I need an eraser for my life too..

If you can be something, What do you want to be?

Do you want to be a pencil? Do you want to be a flower? Do you want to be a  joker?Do you want to be a house? Do you want to be a cat? Or do you want to be something else?

And what about me? What do I want to be?

Ummmm….. I wanna be an eraser.   I wanna be an eraser for the pencil. I wanna be an eraser for someone. I wanna be an eraser to erase someone’s mistake, someone’s sadness or someone’s problem. I wanna help them. I don’t really mind if I get smaller and smaller everytime as long as their mistake vanish. I wanna be an eraser for someone so that they would be happy. I don’t care if I lose of my part.

I just want to see them happy.

I really wanna be an eraser for someone I love…..

 But sometime, I become a pencil. I’m not the perfect person. So,  I made a mistake too. I made someone sad and disappointed. Besides I want to be an eraser, I need an eraser for my life too. I also need an eraser to erase my mistake that I’ve made. I need an eraser to help me whenever I do something wrong. I also need an eraser to make my sadness vanish. Really. 

But where can I find the eraser for my life?

Would you be an eraser for my life?

cukup-cukupinlah ya^^

Sumpah ini gak disengaja. beneran deh gak bohong. haha daritadi emang lagi nulis blog eh ini winamp malah muter lagu-lagu melow. parah kan? iya parah! eh tapi setalah diteliti dan ditelaah lebih lanjut ,ternyata playlistnya rata2 emg lagu-lagu gituan. lalu yg salah siapa dong nih? :/
Rasanya nih ya mau gue nyanyiin itu lagu-lagu ke dia. (astaga gak mungkin lah coy. bisa2 dia kesel dgrnya) *miris*
 Kalo kata afgan sih gini "Jika aku bukan jalanmu, ku berhenti mengharapkanmu. Jika aku memang tercipta untukmu, ku kan memilikimu" . Nah yaudah pasrahin aja semuanya sama Allah o:)

ga ngerti beneran deh ini otak kenapa. bawaannya bengong terus. ya ujung2nya sih mikirin si itu. Kayaknya sih gue rasa ini sindrom kangen ._. ahaha ya tapi emang iya. gue kangen kok sama dia. Soalnya dia itu lucu. Dia bisa buat gue ketawa ^^ uhm tapi gue udah gabisa memulai lagi. He has ever said that i'd be better if i made sure of my feelings first and then we can start again. but i guess it wouldn't work out. because i know we have no chance. Tapi jujur, kalo Allah tiba2 ngasih kesempatan lagi ya gue akan dengan senang hati mengambil kesempatan itu. boleh dong ya berharap? yakan?yadooong hehehe.  ya walaupun realnya gue tau, kesempatan itu emang ada dan nyata di bayangan gue, tapi bukan di bayangan dia.

hmmmmmmmmmm sepertinya mungkin gue harus jatuh cinta sendirian (lagi)
Mungkin jatuh cinta sendirian itu udah cukup buat gue sekarang. yang penting gue masih bisa nikmatin rasa2 itu. Biarin aja rasa sayang ini tetep ada disini,di dalam dada gue,di dalam hati gue . biarin rasa itu tetep ada sampe akhirnya dengan sendirinya gue cape sama rasa itu sendiri. Apa itu akan lebih baik yaa? Ya tapi mau gimana hayooo? Mau maksain lupa?mana bisaaa :/ Tapi tetep berharap ada secercah harapan*aseek* ( tapi gaboleh berharap tinggi ntar jatuhnya sakit loh)
Gue doain dia selalu baik2 aja,ga sakit lagi trus ga sering2 tidur pagi, lancar terus main band-nya dan satu lagi ga akan kecewa lagi karna siapapun. Gue akan doain terus, kapanpun itu^^  hehe

Ikhlas...

Have you ever imagined if it was just a nightmare? Have you ever hoped when you woke up in the morning,everything’s okay ? have you ever hoped you’ll get another chance to fix everything? Have you ever imagined if someone you love will come back to you?

Umm kadang-kadang kita sering kehilangan  orang yang kita suka, kita sayang atau kita cinta sekalipun. Mungkin kita kehilangan mereka karna beberapa alasan. Entah kita kehilangan mereka karna kesalahan kita sendiri atau mungkin karna kesalahan orang tersebut.  Tapi kita harus ikhlas . Kita emang kehilangan mereka tapi percaya aja kalau Tuhan lagi ngasih ujian ke kita. Mungkin Tuhan mau liat gimana cara kita ikhlasin semuanya. Gimana cara kita menjaga apa yg udah Tuhan kasih. Dan kalaupun Tuhan mengambil mereka dari kita itu berarti Tuhan udah nyiapin yg lebih baik lagi. Atau mungkin Tuhan mau kita mengambil pelajaran dari semua yang udah kita alamin supaya kita bisa jadi lebih baik lagi dan enggak ngulangin kesalahan yang sama.

Beberapa orang memang bilang “ Jodoh itu gak akan kemana ”. Artinya kalau kita emang berjodoh sama orang itu pasti dia akan kembali lagi di waktu yang lain, di waktu yang tepat dengan cara apapun entah disengaja ataupun gak disengaja. Dan mungkin pertemuan kita dengan mereka nanti bisa lebih baik dari pertemuan sebelumnya. 

Perasaan seseorang itu emang gabisa dipaksa. Kalau saat ini dia lebih memilih untuk menghindar dan pergi, biarin aja dia pergi kalau itu emang yg terbaik buat dia. Lagipula dia pasti punya alasan kenapa dia pergi. Entah alasan itu baik ataupun buruk. Begitupun sebaliknya dengan kita.  

Tetep berpikir positif aja gimanapun keadaanya. Berpikir gini aja, gapapa kalo sekarang mereka gak sama kita. Gak apa-apa kalo saat ini mungkin mereka akan sama orang lain. Biarin mereka pergi nemuin seseorang yg lebih baik utk dia saat ini. Begitupun jg sebaliknya. Gak apa-apa . biarin aja supaya kita bisa sama-sama belajar . Jadi kalau emang kita ditakdirin utk ketemu dan bersama sama mereka lagi, kita udah belajar dari pengalaman2 yang lain dan jadi orang yang jauuuuuuuh lebih baik dan bisa memulainya lagi dari awal. ^^ 

Jadi intinya ikhlasin aja semua yang udah terjadi. Ambil pelajaran dari semuanya. uhmm I have 1 quote, "God won't take something from you without replacing it with something better" 

Satu lagi, kalo kita salah jangan takut utk minta maaf. Minta maaf itu bukan berarti  kita selalu salah dan dia selalu benar. Ataupun sebaliknya. Dan kalaupun ada yg minta maaf sama kita, kita juga harus maafin. Tuhan aja bisa memaafkan umatnya jd knp kita gabisa? yakan?^^

keep smile :)

Hay.

I feel so bad today. I just got home then sitting here alone and then writing here.

I don’t know what I’m feeling now. It’s so messed up. Even I couldn’t focus on my study in class today.

I feel like there are a thousand people stabbing my heart. It hurts me. Really. Sakitnya emang ga keliatan tapi rasanya itu sakit bgt hehe

Umm last night I sent a message to him. I apologized to him. I said that I was fault. And even I said to him that I love him. I know it’s useless and it looks stupid but I have to say it no matter what happens later. I didn’t care whether he just read it or not. The most importantly I’ve said what should I say. And then we had a few conversations later . But he just gave me a short reply. I understand maybe he  was angry and maybe he was lazy to talk to me. But at least I was brave enough to tell him even though it made me look stupid. I said to him that I love him . I lost him. I miss him . I told him that I wanted to start again but I didn’t even know how to start it again bcs he seemed like he hates me.  So I didn’t force him.  Because I know he already gave up on me. Then I have no choice now. I should give up too. I should let him go. But………………………. It’s not what i want. Really.  What  want is…..I wanna be together with him. I want to fix it all. Just it. But it’s late. I have no chance. I have no choice except give up.

He said that he didn’t like me getting over here. And seriously the last text from him really hurts my feelings. I admitted there are a few the right things that come out from his mouth but not all of them are true.  If he really knew all about me, then he wouldn’t say like that. :’) but seriously, when I read it, I was surprised and then I felt like my heart was being stabbed at that time.

Maybe I have to fix everything alone. Again.  I like him . I love him. I'm not going to get rid of this feeling quickly. But I’m just gonna enjoy this feeling  like there’s nothing happened.

Moreover it’s not the first time for me to fall in love alone. I’ll keep this feeling till it’s gone by itself over time :)

I hope he’ll always be happy. I hope he wouldn’t get hurt by anyone else. Never .I hope all the good things will come to him everytime, with or without me :")

Keep smile ^^