Trapped between responsibility and desire

Wow it's been almost 3 months i stopped posting .
Anyway, what's up guyssssss?
I hope y'all ok ^^

Uhmm to be honest, i don't know exactly what i want to post about.
I was using Internet , then googling and then suddenly i remember my blog. hahaha
By the way,about 1 month ago, i took an english course with my boyfriend and everything was running smoothly, i think. I course every Saturday from 11 a.m to 3 p.m. I'm enjoying it, really. I was glad for having new friends and getting new lessons exactly. It was my first time to take an english course. I've never had a course before because i just don't want to :p Uhmmmm i don't know. lol

But now i'm getting confused. My uncle suddenly came to my house and then he invited me and my sister to go with him,my aunt,and my cousins to stay overnight at Mongolian Camp in Bogor on Saturday-Sunday. Seriously i really wanna go there. It's such a good place and even a beautiful place!!!! I've never been there before. And maybe i'll never go there unless i got much money *lol.  I wanna join them but i can't. *sighs*
No one can invite me to hang out on Saturday. Never!
It's because i have to be in class every Saturday. I've been absent 2 times because i was late for registering so i don't wanna be absent anymore even tho i still have 4 chances not to be in class.
It's just because i know my responsibility. I chosen to take a course so i shouldn't be absent just because some reasons such as just for fun, right???

uhmmm well, i shouldn't be sad. I still have a chance to have fun on the other days. ^^

hiding flaws but end up being selfish

Have you feel so mad at yourself?
Have you feel you really hate yourself?
Sometimes, someone will look so selfish, include me and you who're reading this,right?
Without realizing it, they may be so selfish to the other.
But do you know that sometimes they become selfish because of a reason?
They become selfish because they're trying so hard to hide their flaws.
They're trying to running away from their anger but instead they're trapped on it.

They might not have a choice. I mean they just have no choice except running from the reality. They're just afraid if you would keep a distance when you knew
their flaws.
They're scared if u would keep away from them.
To be honest, their heart is crying out.
They're so mad because they perfectly know they have made fault to you.
They surely know they aren't on the right side. That's a reason why they get mad and
then cry.

But don't you ever know it?
Sometimes it's only because they love you.
No, but they really love you.



-The End-

Have u felt it?

-Have you ever felt that u can't make ur dream come true?
-Have you ever felt that you are not able to get what you really wanted?
-Have you ever felt that you can't be the best for the person you love?
-Have you ever felt that you really wanna be together with the person you love for a long time but you never know what will be then?
-Have you ever felt that u're scared to lose that person?

-Have you ever felt you are so scared if the person you love will find another girl -another pretty girl?
-Have you ever felt scared if he will find she more interesting than you?
-Have you ever felt scared if he might leave you soon?
-Have you ever felt you're scared if he thought she's much better than you?

HAVE YOU?

And WHAT ABOUT ME?
Have I ?
Yes, I have. That's all because HE MEANS A LOT TO ME. :(

should i say goodbye?

hollaaaaa.
it's been 2 weeks i stop writing here.
i didn't have enough times to blogging. Btw, how are u guys?
I'm not okay. Hmmmmmm you know, from the last post here, my feelings wasn't good.
and now my feeling gets worse and even the worst.
In the morning i opened my twitter and accidentally saw him on my timeline. and I found out something.
He's in a relationship now. OMG. I was surprised and couldn't say anything at all.
Several days ago we had a conversation. I mean a short conversation. We talked about our feelings and ...............yaps finally i got the answer.We'll never be together. Never.
It hurts. Really.
But at least he said that he cared about me. That's enough for me.
Actually i've known that he was close to someone else. I knew it from twitter. And I've seen her from twitter too. I think she's pretty .hehe and they both look match. Really^^

So, what can I do now?i can't do anything except let him go.
I just hope that He would have a long last relationship with her. I hope she wouldn't make him disappointed and hurt.

For you there, thanks for making me happy. thanks for being 'just friends' with me. Thanks for being such a special guy for me. I won't regret our meeting. I won't regret everything. Congrats. Finally u found the right person for ur life. I wish you both will have a long last relationship ^^

"God, promise me that You'll protect his heart. Don't ever make him disappointed anymore. He deserves his happiness now. Let him get a faithful girl to accompany him. Let him get someone that will make him happy. Thank God for bringing me to him. Even though we wouldn't end up together, I'm quite happy meeting him and knowing him. But please God, don't ever make him forget me. I know God, it's Your best choice to keep me away from him . I won't blame on You. I know You have planned everything wisely and perfectly. I'll accept what You've given to me. Even though it's pathetic, I will always think positively. I surrender to You,God. I surrender everything to You. I know You might have prepared someone better for me, for my next life. I'll always wait for him. And until the time is right, I'll be waiting patiently. And when I got him, I promise that I would love him with all of my heart."

what can i do?

Hey how are you? Do you still remember me?

Seriously I wanna send a text like this to him. But I don’t have the courage to do that.

Because I know what the reply is. He might ignore my text or even just read it.  So I procrastinate sending it even though I always open his contact and write a message and then delete it again  after a few seconds.  I’m just not brave.

He seems hate me *guessing*. I always wonder , did he know all about me? Did he know everything ? Did he know what happened actually? Did he know everything I’ve been through all this time when we’re still close? I guess he didn’t know completely. He didn’t know well.

I really wanna text him but…….. whenever I think he hates me, I put off texting him. I’m scared if he would ignore my text if I texted him. I miss joking together with him. I miss the way he sent me a good night text. I miss having a stupid conversation with him.

He thought that I didn’t appreciate him. But I didn’t mean not to appreciate him.  He didn’t understand what I mean actually.  He misunderstood. He thought I compared him to a bad guy.  No, I didn’t.  I just need a process. I need a process because I just broke up with the previous one. I want him to understand my process.  I said to him that I was kinda not sure of his feelings because of my experiences before. When I said it, It meant I wanted him to make me sure that he’s serious. I also need to make myself sure that I forgot my past. Gue mau yakinin perasaan gue kalo perasaan gue udh ada di dia bukan di masa lalu gue. Gue juga mau yakinin perasaan gue untuk dia karna gue gamau setengah2 sama dia. Gue mau yakinin perasaan gue juga karna gue gamau main-main sm dia karna gue kan jg udh cape punya hubungan yang  main2. Gue mau punya hubungan yang serius sama dia. Dan itu semua butuh proses 

but when I’m on that process, he’s gone…………….

So, what can i do now? :")

cukup-cukupinlah ya^^

Sumpah ini gak disengaja. beneran deh gak bohong. haha daritadi emang lagi nulis blog eh ini winamp malah muter lagu-lagu melow. parah kan? iya parah! eh tapi setalah diteliti dan ditelaah lebih lanjut ,ternyata playlistnya rata2 emg lagu-lagu gituan. lalu yg salah siapa dong nih? :/
Rasanya nih ya mau gue nyanyiin itu lagu-lagu ke dia. (astaga gak mungkin lah coy. bisa2 dia kesel dgrnya) *miris*
 Kalo kata afgan sih gini "Jika aku bukan jalanmu, ku berhenti mengharapkanmu. Jika aku memang tercipta untukmu, ku kan memilikimu" . Nah yaudah pasrahin aja semuanya sama Allah o:)

ga ngerti beneran deh ini otak kenapa. bawaannya bengong terus. ya ujung2nya sih mikirin si itu. Kayaknya sih gue rasa ini sindrom kangen ._. ahaha ya tapi emang iya. gue kangen kok sama dia. Soalnya dia itu lucu. Dia bisa buat gue ketawa ^^ uhm tapi gue udah gabisa memulai lagi. He has ever said that i'd be better if i made sure of my feelings first and then we can start again. but i guess it wouldn't work out. because i know we have no chance. Tapi jujur, kalo Allah tiba2 ngasih kesempatan lagi ya gue akan dengan senang hati mengambil kesempatan itu. boleh dong ya berharap? yakan?yadooong hehehe.  ya walaupun realnya gue tau, kesempatan itu emang ada dan nyata di bayangan gue, tapi bukan di bayangan dia.

hmmmmmmmmmm sepertinya mungkin gue harus jatuh cinta sendirian (lagi)
Mungkin jatuh cinta sendirian itu udah cukup buat gue sekarang. yang penting gue masih bisa nikmatin rasa2 itu. Biarin aja rasa sayang ini tetep ada disini,di dalam dada gue,di dalam hati gue . biarin rasa itu tetep ada sampe akhirnya dengan sendirinya gue cape sama rasa itu sendiri. Apa itu akan lebih baik yaa? Ya tapi mau gimana hayooo? Mau maksain lupa?mana bisaaa :/ Tapi tetep berharap ada secercah harapan*aseek* ( tapi gaboleh berharap tinggi ntar jatuhnya sakit loh)
Gue doain dia selalu baik2 aja,ga sakit lagi trus ga sering2 tidur pagi, lancar terus main band-nya dan satu lagi ga akan kecewa lagi karna siapapun. Gue akan doain terus, kapanpun itu^^  hehe

keep smile :)

Hay.

I feel so bad today. I just got home then sitting here alone and then writing here.

I don’t know what I’m feeling now. It’s so messed up. Even I couldn’t focus on my study in class today.

I feel like there are a thousand people stabbing my heart. It hurts me. Really. Sakitnya emang ga keliatan tapi rasanya itu sakit bgt hehe

Umm last night I sent a message to him. I apologized to him. I said that I was fault. And even I said to him that I love him. I know it’s useless and it looks stupid but I have to say it no matter what happens later. I didn’t care whether he just read it or not. The most importantly I’ve said what should I say. And then we had a few conversations later . But he just gave me a short reply. I understand maybe he  was angry and maybe he was lazy to talk to me. But at least I was brave enough to tell him even though it made me look stupid. I said to him that I love him . I lost him. I miss him . I told him that I wanted to start again but I didn’t even know how to start it again bcs he seemed like he hates me.  So I didn’t force him.  Because I know he already gave up on me. Then I have no choice now. I should give up too. I should let him go. But………………………. It’s not what i want. Really.  What  want is…..I wanna be together with him. I want to fix it all. Just it. But it’s late. I have no chance. I have no choice except give up.

He said that he didn’t like me getting over here. And seriously the last text from him really hurts my feelings. I admitted there are a few the right things that come out from his mouth but not all of them are true.  If he really knew all about me, then he wouldn’t say like that. :’) but seriously, when I read it, I was surprised and then I felt like my heart was being stabbed at that time.

Maybe I have to fix everything alone. Again.  I like him . I love him. I'm not going to get rid of this feeling quickly. But I’m just gonna enjoy this feeling  like there’s nothing happened.

Moreover it’s not the first time for me to fall in love alone. I’ll keep this feeling till it’s gone by itself over time :)

I hope he’ll always be happy. I hope he wouldn’t get hurt by anyone else. Never .I hope all the good things will come to him everytime, with or without me :")

Keep smile ^^

tell me........

I’m sorry if I made you disappointed. But I never meant to do that. It was beyond my control. Really.

You might thought that I was lying to my own feelings but I guess you were wrong. I wasn’t lying. I just tried to make sure my own feelings. I never meant to hurt you. Never. I never meant not to appreciate your feelings to me. I appreciated it. 

Honestly I want to hear something from you. Just one question. But it haven’t come out from your mouth. I was waiting for that. I was waiting for you to say it at the right time. I mean at the right moment. 

 I know it was my fault.  I was too afraid to tell you what I was feeling. I know it’s too late. I almost had you but I’ve lost that chance because of my stupidity. But I want to fix it all. I wanna show you that I'm different. Want you give me a chance?

Tell me what should I do.

Ummmmm….

For you there,

I like you but now it has changed. Because now, I love you. Not just ‘like’ but “love”. . . . . . . .

quotes ^^

hahaha i have nothing to do . so yaaa i made it by using Paint application on computer and then put them on my blog haha ^^

Goodbye Thirteen :)

hai ^^
i have something to tell but it's a bad news .
I broke up with him. I broke up about 2 weeks ago.
I said to him that i was giving up on him. but I give up not because I stop loving him but I give up because I know it'll be better for us . I mean, it's better for him actually. I know he just got bored with me or maybe he found someone prettier than me. ( i'm just guessing ya)
I'm sad actually.
but what can i do?
I know we shouldn't get into a relationship too fast. That's our fault.
i won't force him to go back.
But at least he can say something like "I'm sorry blablabla......" or maybe "let's be friends" or "You're a good girl for me blablabla....."
BUT 'til now he still doesn't say anything at all. He's still quite. And 'till now i still don't understand what's my fault . I don't know the reason .
if he loves me, he won't do this. Surely he'll keep this relationship.
and even everytime we met each other at campus, he acted like he didn't know me.I mean, he acted like he didn't see me at all. HEY IT'S FUNNY !

okay. I'll go away if you want this. but please , at least you'll be sorry for what you've done.
I just wanna say, thanks for everything. thanks for hurting me. thanks for being such a good liar for me.
i hope u'll be happy and i hope u'll find someone prettier than me and better for sure.
but I'll make sure that you won't find a girl like me :)
Goodbye 13. Goodbye mayjeee. Goodbye jer. 

Goodbye Thirteen :')

idk....

hay blogger..........
YOU KNOW WHAT? FINALLY I CAN OPEN MY BLOG AGAIN AHAHAHA^^
but i'm using wifi here (ssstttt.....)hahaha
how's life?
is it good? i'm not yaaaaa.
hmmmmm i've been through so much problem lately. actually since February.
first, my holiday is going to end a few days again and......................since the first time i was in holiday, i didn't feel my holiday is fun AT ALL........
second, i got a bad value in my univ. and i was really shocked knowing it. huhuhuh
third, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk actually.......... honestly i feel there's something wrong here. either about me or about him. i dont know.
i feel he's changed a bit. he looks like kinda doesn't care. i mean , he doesn't look like he used to be.
i miss when he randomly texted me and said he missed me. i know he shouldn't text me everytime. i know that. but at least we can have a good conversation everyday.
sometimes i wanna back to Januari. but no problem^^ because 7days again we've been 2 months in this relationship.^^^ hihihih so excited laaaaaa
in case he knows how much i love him and how much he means to me, will he back to he used to be?
sorry if i'm overthinking.
 kangen banget banget banget sama jeremi.<3<3

BUT NO MATTER he turns into the other person from now, it can't change the way i feel about him.
i love him. i'm sure he loves me too. he's a GOOD guy^^
he won't hurt me. :))))
i trust him^^
saranghaeyo my J ................

come back soon

YOU

HAVE 

NO IDEA 

HOW MUCH 

I MISS YOU 

JEREMI !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come back soon.........................................^^

SARANGHAEYO .............. jer.... {}[}{}

miss him already

Hai……

Hmmm actually I didn’t mean to blogging . I just took a nap and suddenly I didn’t know what to do. So ya I opened my computer and opened my blog.

Yesterday on this time,  I was dating with my jeremi. And today he is so far away.

He is in Malaysia now.

After I took a nap, when I opened my eyes,I’m thinking of him all of sudden. I checked my phone over and over again and there’s no message from him at all. :(

Now I’m sitting in front of my comp where this room is the place we were joking each other yesterday. I miss him so badly.

I hope he’s doing okay there.

****

Ok I’m gonna tell you about my satnight yesterday. It was a great satnight ! like seriously!!!! Yesterday I went to someplace with my jeremi, adhi and laras(actually she didn’t join but my boy invited her to join us).

Before we went there, while we were waiting adhi to come, jeremi kissed me and hugged me.and it was the first time he kissed me ON THE FOREHEAD! <3 <3 that was so cuteeeee. Hahahaha I hugged him too. AND NOW I WANNA THAT MOMENT IS BACK ! PLEASE……………

***

When we were at sky dinning, we took some picts by adhi’s camera.

And jeremi and I also took a cute picts together!! he looks so handsome yesterday anyway :3

I wanna share all those picts but my friend hasn’t given all those picts to us yet. So ya I’m gonna share it later^^

Oh ya I gave something to jeremi. It wasn’t a good stuff anyway but I made those stuff by myself ^^ those stuff were couple :3

And I also gave him a photo which we got a few weeks ago. ^^

I hope he always remember me wherever he is.

I’ll be waiting for ur text, jer :)

always take care of yourself.

I miss you. I love you.